My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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