Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize