Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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