he puts the penis in happiness.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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