i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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