At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Text me some of your sweat
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
