Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
