someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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