I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
