I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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