Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I deserve this hangover.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
