Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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