Your face is a jimmy john
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
