i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
