Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
