you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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