Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
