Say something about gay babies.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize