I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
