I just cut my nipple shaving
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
