Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
