i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
