I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he puts the penis in happiness.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
