It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
