I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Pooping to opera.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
