I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
