sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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