Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
