I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
