My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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