So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How does one acquire holy water?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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