I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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