Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
