that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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