is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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