Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
