I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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