When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We need to get me chipped asap
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
