They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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