He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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