you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
