Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
