Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
