The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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