Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
