I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
