i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
