Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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