Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
