watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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