Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
