My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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