Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
As shirtless as possible
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
