i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
