God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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