quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
