I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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