if only i could text you this smell
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
