I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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