Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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