Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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