Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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