I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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