Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
