I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
